Grief is such a torturous thing, even more so during the winter time. November through February are full of painful reminders of what and who’s missing. It’s cold, the sun isn’t out as often, and your daily activities become sort of limited. Life unintentionally becomes dark, and your thoughts follow.
It became so easy for me to be consumed by thoughts and dread. It was another Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s without Omar (who I previously referenced as M). I was still in disbelief, and I was still numb. I thought by starting this blog, I would be able to pull myself out of my head. It just became harder, almost impossible to do, with the days leading up to my birthday.
I was starting a new year, with new life changes. Without him. With every step forward in life, I couldn’t help but think, “I wish Omar was here.” Ever since his death in 2017, I can’t help but wonder what he would think or how he would feel about my life accomplishments. Before his passing, he was teaching me about cars and how to drive. Three years later, I have my own car, I’m driving, and I’m still chasing a ghost.
I am living, re-living, processing, and working through my grief, everyday. It gets lonely, and it gets tiresome. My days are full of anxiety and self-doubt. I am constantly exhausting myself. Even with my daily dosage of SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor), my heart is still broken with my feelings at a standstill.
Omar died when he was only 22. I was 21.
This year, I turned 24. An age that he will never see, or experience. Two years of life with his family and mine, that he never got to have.
I am so grateful to be able to spend holidays with his parents, and mine. I am grateful that we have made the effort to stay in each others lives. I just wish that I could experience and share happiness with them, without being consumed by a black cloud. I wish I could live each day without falling down the rabbit hole.
I have been stuck in a daze for the past few months.
I can see light coming out, and I can feel the sun emerging. It’s time for me to come back, it is time to get back to healing.