Dead and Alive

Before late 2017, I was someone with drive and ambition. I was dynamite. I had just gotten my first full time job, I had found my person, and I had the desire to go to grad school. For a moment, things felt perfect. Until they didn’t.

He died.

When he died, I died too.

I was no longer the girl I had come to know. The life and the dreams I had imagined for myself were torched. I was left, empty. It almost felt like I was a zombie. I had no choice but to keep “living”, and even then, I was barely able to function. Unfortunately for me, my physical body was very much alive. I still had to eat, I still had to sleep, and I was still breathing. Even if I didn’t want to.

My body existed. I continued to take up space. That didn’t mean I was alive. My heart and soul had died.

I spent 21 years, getting to know the world around me, making a canvas out of my blank slate. Just for it to be destroyed. It was almost like, I had just received a lobotomy. Numb and lost. I was being forced to start again.

It felt like learning how to walk. You see people continuing with their lives. You know it’s possible. You can feel the pressure of achieving normalcy, from everyone around you. And yet, I couldn’t do it.

I lost myself in isolation. I lost myself in my sorrow. I was drowning in alcohol. I didn’t know how to live anymore without any sense of hope or identity. The only way I knew how to live was through impulsivity and risky behavior. Anything to remind me that I was more than just my body. I needed something to waken my heart and soul.

There will always be a side of me, that is gone and lost forever. She is dead. She is no more.

As for the side of me that continues to exist, and continues to breathe, she has since started learning how to stand on her two feet again.

Now, I’m somewhat here. Almost three years later, and I’m beginning to learn how to live again. My lifestyle isn’t perfect, and neither are my behaviors. My mind and heart are a little better. I am still neither here or there, but I am somewhere. I am finding my place.

I can’t say I necessarily see the future for myself at the moment. I can’t say I’ve found love, or a new purpose in life. What I can say, is that I am learning how to move again. I am learning how to live, day by day, slowly but surely. Every small step towards progress, is like a second chance at life for me. I am in the process of re-learning myself. The good, the bad, and especially the ugly.

In the next few months, or the next couple of years, I hope that my progress remains at an incline. I want to get better, I want to be happy. I want to find my purpose in life again.

My heart stopped, but I’m learning how to get it beating again.

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